I don't know about you, but I am not a big fan of Valentines Day. My negative feelings towards the holiday started around grade school. I remember sitting in class, watching delivery after delivery come to all the pretty girls in the class or to the girls who were older and had boyfriends. In junior high and high school your boyfriend was suppose to give you a gift, if not he was a looser. The feelings I felt most Valentines Days were, sad, lonely, insecure, and not enough.
Looking at Valentines Day now as a 32 year old, I feel confused. Why does society choose 1 day a year to celebrate love? Why do I buy into the idea some years, and other years I revolt? What really happens if there are no flowers, gifts, chocolates, and stuffed animals to hand out to people we love? The answer is simple...we are still enough.
The greatest commandment is, "love your neighbor as yourself." The commandment does not read, "love your neighbor on February 14th." We are supposed to love others daily, encouraging them, and walking along side them. The other part of the commandment is, "love your neighbor as yourself." If I am expecting flowers, cards, dinner, and gifts on Valentines Day, I might be setting myself up for a resentment. Expectations=Resentments
If I want flowers then I should go to the farmers markets or grocery store, and buy myself some. If I want a nice card telling me how wonderful I am, then I should try writing to myself (If I don't like myself, and can not write positive affirmations, then I probably won't believe a card that someone writes to me anyways). We all want to feel loved and special; however sometimes it takes our own initiative
Let's make a commitment this Valentines Day not to obsess, compare, set expectations upon others, and live to love for 1 day. We will love daily our neighbors, our enemies, and ourselves.

Hallie

It is 2012, Happy New Year! Take this visual DNA quiz and get inspired.

Visual DNA Personality:Quiz  http://personality.visualdna.com/1/index.php

I am grateful for the opportunity and platform I have created to share my story with so many people. By sharing my story and being vulnerable, it has allowed hundreds of you all to share your story in return. One of the common trends I hear over and over again is, slips/relapses. Everyone has to define what their own slip/relapse is to them, because that is not for me to determine; however I will encourage the phrase, "To Thine Own Self Be True." I see so much shame and guilt in many of your eyes when a slip happens, then a purge of sentences will form: "what do I do now? Do I need to go back to treatment? Why can't I just stop? I am a horrible person? I screwed up this morning, so I might as well keep the behavior going until the end of the day. I lost everything I was working on. I can't tell anyone about this, and my family thinks I am doing so well." In these times, no phone call or text is made to a sponsor, friend, therapist, mentor, until a few days later, so the ED talk gets louder and louder.
According to the Journal of How to Live, I remember reading somewhere that I needed to have food in my body in order to survive (SMILE). As my therapist always says, "food is medicine." So if the very thing I struggle with, and have a disease against is #1 on the Top 5 ways to stay alive, I probably won't do it perfectly.  So here is something that has helped me in the past, called, The Road Trip.

I am going on a road trip to NY. I leave from C.A, and drive through a few states, and when I get to N.M my car breaks down. Do I  take my car all the way back to CA to get it fixed? No! I stay in N.M for a few days get my car taken car of, and keep moving on my journey to N.Y. So after i get my car fixed in N.M I start driving through a few more states, and I get a flat tire in O.K. Do I go back to N.M? No! Do I go back to C.A? No! Again I take care of the flat where I am, and then I continue on my way.

You probably are getting the idea by now of the road trip methodology, which means that just because you have a slip/relapse doesn't mean you lost everything you worked on. Take care of yourself in the moment, tune-yourself-up, and keep moving on your journey of recovery.

My husband always says, "You are worth fighting for", and I have to remember that my eating disorder is worth fighting against.        Hallie

Remember when you were 17? Someone prank-dialed your house and called you a horrible name, and started laughing and then hung-up. Or maybe you thought you would try the newest drug all your friends were doing, and something went horribly wrong. 25 years old- You have a full time job, great boyfriend, and your getting your M.A, but you secretly cut, drink, binge; anything to escape from the abuse from your past, and that night when you were a teenager. Now you are in your 30’s and you love your husband, but can’t seem to love yourself. You have a home, savings account, car, job, and everything looks good on paper, yet you still don’t have many female friends, and your lonely. 40 years old- Your body is changing, you found a few gray hairs, your forehead is not what it used to look like, and Glamour Magazine said, there is a miracle pill that makes you sexier, smarter, skinner, and more youthful in 15 days. You are now celebrating your 50th birthday. Your kids are all out of the house, you have not worked in years, and menopause has taken over your body.  What is your purpose now? Is this how you thought your life you be? Where did the time go? What do you wish you could tell your younger self?

Join us for a panel discussion from 5 different women in each of these perspective age groups sharing where they are in their lives today, the struggles they face along the way, and the hope that gets them through the difficult times.

When: Saturday, November 19, 2010

Where: Rock Church, High School Room

2277 Rosecrans St. San Diego, CA 92106 

Time: 10.00am to 11:30am

 All faiths welcome. No childcare provided. For more information contact Hallie Metzler at hkotrla@iamhopeandhealing.org

It started with herons that directed the wind.
They had opinions, desires, dreams, and independence in character.
They owned men not just because of sex appeal as defined by men.
They were multidimensional with the complexity of galaxies.
 
Then society took a turn.
Women slowly deteriorated into body frames with vapid statements, size zero waste lines, big lips; sex symbols.
I cant portend why.
 
Women withered away
Daughters didn’t understand that the mothers they idealized were diseased- this was…is normal-
They learned what it means to be a woman from the fragmented sole that they saw in front of them. Looking at who is supposed to be teaching them how to live in the world, when in fact, they were teaching them how to die.
 
I honestly do not know a whole woman, but would love to meet one and fight everyday day to become one…though I don’t know what that is.
 
All I can ask myself is: What woman will be alive to be proud of me?

Britani

(Britani's sister is in recovery from an eating disorder, and her mom has an eating disorder)

I think being a "control freak" is something that many people struggle with. They have a pretty clear picture of the way they want things to go. There are few words that control freaks around the world, like me, struggle with more than "surrender." Taking my hands off a circumstance and trusting someone other than myself seems totally counter-intuitive at times. But there are few things more powerful than the act of surrender. In fact, in life, it may be the most powerful thing I can do. Surrender can and is the turning point in my life and recovery. There is this life-changing, heart-shaping power when I say, "You are God. I am not. I will trust you."

I will trust YOU to take care of other peoples issues.

I will trust YOU with my weight and food issues.

I will trust YOU with my fear of g

I will trust YOU with my therapy team.

I will trust YOU with my future.

I need to stop and ask myself, is there an area in my life that I need to surrender to today? I know there is nothing more difficult or more rewarding. The difficult part is not the surrender, but the act of stopping, taking a time-out, sitting still, taking a deep breath, and letting go. Then the reward comes, and I wonder why I don't practice this more.

I get several emails a week from people who are trying to help a friend, loved one, family member who is showing signs of an eating disorder. They want to know how to approach them, what to say, etc. This was my response to a lady today, who is trying to help her friend who struggles with bulimia and is in the Navy.

I am glad you contacted myself, and what a great friend your roommate has. When someone struggles with bulimia (like myself for 10 years) there is denial, secrecy, lies, low self esteem, control issues, isolation, and the list goes on. The first step says that, "We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder and that our lives were unmanageable." She needs to understand that first and foremost she is powerless over food and throwing up; and with an eating disorder in her life it will become unmanageable. If she admits this then she will realize she cannot do this on her own. I just helped another girl in the Navy who was stationed on Coronado get into treatment for anorexia. Step 2 says, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result so for example: "I will not binge and purge during the week, I will go on a diet, I will stop cold turkey, I will become a vegetarian, I won't eat sweets". The thought process of someone who struggles is, I will try different ways of getting rid of my eatings disorder and this time will be different; however the result ends in over eating, throwing up, and doing the same thing over and over again.
I would recommend a site I helped create called, OneRecovery www.onerecovery.com. OneRecovery is an on line free support network for those who struggle with drugs,alcohol, and eating disorders. There is online eating disorder meetings, accountability, support, and tons of people who also struggle with an eating disorder so your friend won't feel alone. Also I would tell you that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't work harder or want it more than the person with an eating disorder. Your friend needs to reach a bottom, and when she has a moment of clarity where she is sick and tired of being sick and tired, you can be there.
Let her know you are here to support, talk, and be there when she is ready to face the addiction/disease. Your friend can always email or call me when she is ready, but she needs to make that decision for her. You can let her know you are going to love her until she can love herself; and although you don't struggle with an eating disorder, you can understand how it feels to need something to numb the pain, or to want to check out to not have to deal with issues. The eating disorder is her coping mechanism; for some it is drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, love, etc. We all have a coping mechanism, and the idea is to slowing remove the mechanism and deal with life on life's terms no matter how hard it may be. 
I know it is hard to watch someone struggle and hurt, and our immediate reaction is to want to fix it.  Continue to look inside your self and see what changes need to be made in you, and hopefully your friend will see your growth and want to change for herself as well.

I love flowers. When I do a gratitude list flowers are always on there. I used to think that only a man or someone else could buy me flowers. When I first started dating my fiance I thought he would show up with flowers in hand every day proclaiming his love. I thought this for about a year, and when he had flowers I was so excited. When he showed up empty handed I felt not enough. I finally confessed my wants to a friend who replied, “Hallie if you want flowers, don’t wait for David to buy them for you; buy them for yourself.” I had never thought about buying flowers for myself. Why would I do that? David needs to do it to show me I am special… and then I got it. I don’t think I am special enough to buy flowers for. I needed the affirmation from others, because I didn’t know how to do it for myself. A few days later I went to a Farmers Market and bought myself some fresh flowers. I went home, put them in a vase, and for the next week when I walked by them I would smile. I am special! Today I buy flowers for myself, and David buys them for me as well. Flowers remind me that I am special, and so are you. Go buy yourself some flowers today.

 I have a fear of myself or someone else throwing a party, event, or meeting for me, and no one showing up. I don't remember when it started, but the fear of rejection was so high that is was better to not host an event at all than take the risk.

Years ago my mom threw me an 18th Surprise Birthday Party, and invited every girl in school who I was no longer friend’s with to come. I had plans that night to go out with my then boyfriend and some friends to a house party to get wasted, and all of the sudden these girls I had known since I was in 7th grade were walking in my house like we were BFF's again. It was a very awkward night, but I did end up wasted at the house party later.

Then there was the time I threw a college graduation party. I had bought tons of alcohol, had some drugs ready, and told everyone to meet at my house before the ceremony and we would all walk over together. Only 3 people showed up! Where was the school spirit? Looking back it's not like I went to UC Santa Barbara, I went to a private Christian University, but still!

Last year I had my 30th Birthday Party on New Years Eve. It was at my friends parents house, and I think I invited over 50+ people.  I was afraid no one would come, and I kept telling myself if only 10 people come, that fine (Liar). I think about 30 people came, and secretly I wanted more people to come to show others how loved I was. More people=popularity=acceptance=I am enough!

A few days ago my sister sent out the invitations for my Bachelorette Party. There were only 8 people invited, and 2 have already said they can’t make it. To be honest if only my sister, and my 2 good friends went, I would be happy, but I care too much about how I look to others.  Then I ask myself, Do people look at an invitation list, click no they can’t attend, and then say poor Hallie no one likes her because only 4 friends are coming to her party; probably not. Do women attend parties and say, Eww only 30 friends came to her house, she is such a looser; not my friends.

I occasionally will live in a world that is all about me. That everything that happens is personalized, magnified, and fearful. However, when I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and come back to reality (center, awareness, mindfulness) I am enough. Life is not about me. Life is not about fears of rejection or friends and asking why did this happen, but rather how can I learn from this? God how can you use me? I pray that I am more aware when I need to say no to an invite, a sponsee/mentee request, a commitment, because for some the simple question Will you… is not so simple.

I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I didn’t grow up in the picture perfect family with both parents, instead I grew up in a family of separation. My parents both young, separated shortly after my birth. In one home I experienced unconditional love from my mother. But in the other, I experienced emotional abuse and abandonment from my father.  Unfortunately, for a child the negative outweighs the positive. In my mother’s desire to provide a good life for me, she encouraged me to visit my father. What she didn’t know was the abuse that occurred or that every time she encouraged I felt like she was endorsing the way I was treated. I spent many years torn between trying to please my mother and a deeper knowing that this wasn’t normal.   While the words generally came from my step-mother, my father never stepped in or justified my feelings. He was often away for work and rarely experienced the abuse that occurred. Instead I was left with my abuser and a father who did not believe my fabrications as he called them. I spent years bombarded by her words. “You will never be good enough.” “You are fat.” “You are ugly.” “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “You are a slut and men will only want you for sex.” “You are an embarrassment.” “Your father will never love you.” I am sure you can imagine the affect these words would have on a child. I remember my only desire was to be loved and valued by my father. But when he ignored the abuse, and my mother encouraged visitation, I began to believe the words were true. Why would my parents endorse or ignore something that was wrong? I was a child, my entire physical and emotional wellbeing rested on their shoulders.   In addition to her unawareness to the situation, my mother was a Christian and I was taught to love my enemies and turn the other cheek. This was proof that something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I love my stepmother?  I must endure the abuse and pray for forgiveness. My distorted idea of Christianity is what kept me trapped in the abuse. I was ashamed of my feelings and tried desperately to keep them hidden.   As I continued to hear these messages about myself I slowly began to internalize them. I was worthless, unloved, and never quite good enough. To compensate, I strove to change these words. If only I tried harder, listened more, became thinner, got better grades, and accomplished more, than I could be loveable. I drove myself harder and harder until perfection was what I sought to attain. If I could be perfect, then everything would change.   Unfortunately, I didn’t obtain perfection…and things didn’t change. What changed was me and my view of life. With one sermon and one man who stood up for me I accepted Christ. I learned that loving your enemies did not mean a child should endure abuse. This was not the love God attended for me. This was the beginning of my transformation. I stood up to the abuse, refused visitation, and requested counseling. Although my stepmother refused, my father and I attended for several years. We rebuilt our relationship and found one based on trust, love, and truth. I continued counseling for several years on my own. Although I had successfully healed my relationship with my father and developed a relationship with Christ, the affects of my abuse were still present. Overall, the abusive environment left me very insecure, emotionally drained, a perfectionist, and a believer of her words. I struggled to love and value myself which lead to a distorted view of my body, beauty, weight and food. I have sought counseling for my negative self-view and distorted eating. Even though I had grown in my Christianity and believed God’s word. I had a difficult time believing that his word was true for me personally. I read about God loving his children unconditionally, but I didn’t quite believe that extended to me. I kept thinking if only I was smarter, tried harder, was thinner, was more beautiful, and prayed more, than he could love me unconditionally. I had to be perfect for God, just as I had to be perfect for my own father. I have only recently realized how far my abuser’s words permeated my life. Not only did her abuse affect my relationship with her and my father, but it affected my relationship with God. She took away my self worth and my ability to feel loved by my Father in Heaven. Through my acceptance of Christ I was able to have the strength and courage to stand against my abuser. I have been able to rely on God to be my protector and my healer. Although, the struggles of my abuse resurface weekly and sometimes daily, I have become a completely different woman. I have grown spiritually and developed a faith stronger than I ever imagined. God has the power to heal all wounds and he uses those trials for the greater good. It is hard to describe what has changed in me over the past five years, but I can tell you that I have come to love and value myself more and have come to understand God's Truth….I am Beautiful and I am enough and he loves me just the way I am. I want my life to reflect God's truth and to use my past to change the lives of others. Through sharing my story, I desire to reach out to others and give you the hope that I have received from God. Today I am proud of my story and how it has defined me because it is no longer a story of abuse, but a story of hope and truth. God has given me the opportunity to live this journey so others do not have to. I want to be the person that changes another's life, just as my pastor did for me. So today I am here for you…the one who struggles to find his or her value and never feels quite good enough. We are beautiful, we are magnificently created by our God, and WE are PERFECT just the way we are.
Bethany Z