I have a fear of myself or someone else throwing a party, event, or meeting for me, and no one showing up. I don't remember when it started, but the fear of rejection was so high that is was better to not host an event at all than take the risk.

Years ago my mom threw me an 18th Surprise Birthday Party, and invited every girl in school who I was no longer friend’s with to come. I had plans that night to go out with my then boyfriend and some friends to a house party to get wasted, and all of the sudden these girls I had known since I was in 7th grade were walking in my house like we were BFF's again. It was a very awkward night, but I did end up wasted at the house party later.

Then there was the time I threw a college graduation party. I had bought tons of alcohol, had some drugs ready, and told everyone to meet at my house before the ceremony and we would all walk over together. Only 3 people showed up! Where was the school spirit? Looking back it's not like I went to UC Santa Barbara, I went to a private Christian University, but still!

Last year I had my 30th Birthday Party on New Years Eve. It was at my friends parents house, and I think I invited over 50+ people.  I was afraid no one would come, and I kept telling myself if only 10 people come, that fine (Liar). I think about 30 people came, and secretly I wanted more people to come to show others how loved I was. More people=popularity=acceptance=I am enough!

A few days ago my sister sent out the invitations for my Bachelorette Party. There were only 8 people invited, and 2 have already said they can’t make it. To be honest if only my sister, and my 2 good friends went, I would be happy, but I care too much about how I look to others.  Then I ask myself, Do people look at an invitation list, click no they can’t attend, and then say poor Hallie no one likes her because only 4 friends are coming to her party; probably not. Do women attend parties and say, Eww only 30 friends came to her house, she is such a looser; not my friends.

I occasionally will live in a world that is all about me. That everything that happens is personalized, magnified, and fearful. However, when I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and come back to reality (center, awareness, mindfulness) I am enough. Life is not about me. Life is not about fears of rejection or friends and asking why did this happen, but rather how can I learn from this? God how can you use me? I pray that I am more aware when I need to say no to an invite, a sponsee/mentee request, a commitment, because for some the simple question Will you… is not so simple.

I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I didn’t grow up in the picture perfect family with both parents, instead I grew up in a family of separation. My parents both young, separated shortly after my birth. In one home I experienced unconditional love from my mother. But in the other, I experienced emotional abuse and abandonment from my father.  Unfortunately, for a child the negative outweighs the positive. In my mother’s desire to provide a good life for me, she encouraged me to visit my father. What she didn’t know was the abuse that occurred or that every time she encouraged I felt like she was endorsing the way I was treated. I spent many years torn between trying to please my mother and a deeper knowing that this wasn’t normal.   While the words generally came from my step-mother, my father never stepped in or justified my feelings. He was often away for work and rarely experienced the abuse that occurred. Instead I was left with my abuser and a father who did not believe my fabrications as he called them. I spent years bombarded by her words. “You will never be good enough.” “You are fat.” “You are ugly.” “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “You are a slut and men will only want you for sex.” “You are an embarrassment.” “Your father will never love you.” I am sure you can imagine the affect these words would have on a child. I remember my only desire was to be loved and valued by my father. But when he ignored the abuse, and my mother encouraged visitation, I began to believe the words were true. Why would my parents endorse or ignore something that was wrong? I was a child, my entire physical and emotional wellbeing rested on their shoulders.   In addition to her unawareness to the situation, my mother was a Christian and I was taught to love my enemies and turn the other cheek. This was proof that something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I love my stepmother?  I must endure the abuse and pray for forgiveness. My distorted idea of Christianity is what kept me trapped in the abuse. I was ashamed of my feelings and tried desperately to keep them hidden.   As I continued to hear these messages about myself I slowly began to internalize them. I was worthless, unloved, and never quite good enough. To compensate, I strove to change these words. If only I tried harder, listened more, became thinner, got better grades, and accomplished more, than I could be loveable. I drove myself harder and harder until perfection was what I sought to attain. If I could be perfect, then everything would change.   Unfortunately, I didn’t obtain perfection…and things didn’t change. What changed was me and my view of life. With one sermon and one man who stood up for me I accepted Christ. I learned that loving your enemies did not mean a child should endure abuse. This was not the love God attended for me. This was the beginning of my transformation. I stood up to the abuse, refused visitation, and requested counseling. Although my stepmother refused, my father and I attended for several years. We rebuilt our relationship and found one based on trust, love, and truth. I continued counseling for several years on my own. Although I had successfully healed my relationship with my father and developed a relationship with Christ, the affects of my abuse were still present. Overall, the abusive environment left me very insecure, emotionally drained, a perfectionist, and a believer of her words. I struggled to love and value myself which lead to a distorted view of my body, beauty, weight and food. I have sought counseling for my negative self-view and distorted eating. Even though I had grown in my Christianity and believed God’s word. I had a difficult time believing that his word was true for me personally. I read about God loving his children unconditionally, but I didn’t quite believe that extended to me. I kept thinking if only I was smarter, tried harder, was thinner, was more beautiful, and prayed more, than he could love me unconditionally. I had to be perfect for God, just as I had to be perfect for my own father. I have only recently realized how far my abuser’s words permeated my life. Not only did her abuse affect my relationship with her and my father, but it affected my relationship with God. She took away my self worth and my ability to feel loved by my Father in Heaven. Through my acceptance of Christ I was able to have the strength and courage to stand against my abuser. I have been able to rely on God to be my protector and my healer. Although, the struggles of my abuse resurface weekly and sometimes daily, I have become a completely different woman. I have grown spiritually and developed a faith stronger than I ever imagined. God has the power to heal all wounds and he uses those trials for the greater good. It is hard to describe what has changed in me over the past five years, but I can tell you that I have come to love and value myself more and have come to understand God's Truth….I am Beautiful and I am enough and he loves me just the way I am. I want my life to reflect God's truth and to use my past to change the lives of others. Through sharing my story, I desire to reach out to others and give you the hope that I have received from God. Today I am proud of my story and how it has defined me because it is no longer a story of abuse, but a story of hope and truth. God has given me the opportunity to live this journey so others do not have to. I want to be the person that changes another's life, just as my pastor did for me. So today I am here for you…the one who struggles to find his or her value and never feels quite good enough. We are beautiful, we are magnificently created by our God, and WE are PERFECT just the way we are.
Bethany Z

ASHEVILLE — For Kacey Cramer, it wasn't about being skinny.In fact, the eating disorder that brought the Asheville woman to the brink of death nearly 10 years ago was founded in a self-loathing that had little to do with the stick-thin models on magazine covers to which eating disorders are often linked.
But after hitting rock bottom and ultimately finding solace from an unexpected source — a horse named Jake — Cramer lived to tell and raise awareness about the disease that plagued her for 16 years.
Cramer will be one of several panelists to speak at UNC Asheville on Wednesday during this week's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, an initiative to highlight the estimated 8 million Americans struggling with disordered eating.
Asheville's THE (Treatment, Healing and Education) Center for Disordered Eating will host the panel and several other events to educate locals and health care professionals on eating disorders in WNC.
Punishing herselfKacey Cramer was only 14 when she began restricting her food intake.
“It really had nothing to do with body image for me — I was actually made fun of for being underweight as a kid, and I hated it,” Cramer said. “Restricting my food was a way of punishing myself and reinforcing a self-hatred that stemmed originally from my parents' divorce.”
Cramer said she blamed herself as a young child for her parents' divorce and that restricting food was a way of reconciling those feelings of guilt.
“Not eating was what made sense to me, to control the pain I was feeling and avoid those emotions,” she said. “It was never that I thought I was fat.”
When Cramer turned 21, her struggle with anorexia nervosa (more commonly “anorexia,” characterized by severely restricting the consumption of food) escalated to an even more dangerous form of disordered eating. She began to purge the little food she allowed into her body.
“It took an incredible physical toll,” she said. “After about eight years of living that way, I was 29 years old and essentially going through menopause. I was barely even alive.”

In December 2002, Cramer's family and now-husband, Michael, staged an intervention. But Cramer's body had already so deteriorated that doctors said she might not even be healthy enough to make the flight to an Arizona treatment center.“There had been times I had almost died from this disease, but this was the point when it finally hit me,” Cramer said. “The doctors told me I was days away from a heart attack and so malnourished I would have to have a feeding tube. I just couldn't handle the guilt of what my death would do to my family, so I finally agreed to get help.”

Finding Jake, finding healingAfter she stabilized at Remuda Ranch Treatment Center in Arizona, Cramer found the four-legged healer she attributes with saving her life, Jake, through the center's equine therapy program.

“Jake loved me unconditionally, in a way that I couldn't feel loved by the people in my life,” she said. “And he allowed me to love him back. I didn't feel fat or ugly around him — we were just there for each other, and I could trust him.”

Jake would be the first of three horses that led Cramer to become an equine therapist at Horse Sense of the Carolinas in Marshall. She joined Eliada Homes of Asheville as the director of therapeutic animal stewardship in 2005 but has stepped down to become a veterinary technician.

“At this point I just know that I have to be with horses to live a full life and to keep myself from relapsing,” Cramer said. “I've found what brings me joy, and I want others to find that, too.”

A youthful disease“This is one of the most complex disorders we've ever seen,” said Elizabeth Pavka, a holistic nutritionist and eating disorder specialist in Asheville. “And the frightening part is that we're seeing it in younger and younger people every day.”

According to a survey by the National Eating Disorders Association, 42 percent of first- to third-grade girls want to be thinner, and 81 percent of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat.

“The foundation laid for an eating disorder starts at an early age — that's why we need parents and teachers to recognize what unhealthy body image and eating disorders look like,” said Sadie Carlson, clinical director of Tapestry Treatment Center in Brevard.

“We find ways to help people after they've developed this disease,” Carlson said. “But ultimately we hope that we can prevent it before they reach the level of sickness that brings them here. Eating disorders cost a lot of lives.”Along with the events open to the public, THE Center will also train teachers on a movement-based activities that are used to promote a positive self-image among middle school girls.

Although Cramer will continue to fight a lifelong health battle against the lasting repercussions of more than a decade of disordered eating, she believes firmly that finding joy — equine or otherwise — can save the lives of others suffering from eating disorders.

“For me, it was a horse, but that could be art, dance, yoga, knitting, sewing,” Cramer said. “There's no talking someone out of hating themselves and abusing their bodies — it's about whatever gets you out of your head and builds that confidence within yourself. Life is so worth living, and finding that something worth living for is what it's all about.”
2:12 PM, Feb. 21, 2011, "A weighty battle" Citizen-Times.Com

Testimony by Brenda Piazza, Transitional Coach

The following is a testimony of Brenda’s battle with negative body image and bulimia and her inspirational story of healing and recovery.

I was born into a traditional family with a father, mother and 2 older sisters. The traditional family lasted for the first 3 years of my life only. In 1969, my middle sister was accidentally killed by an automobile when I was 3 and she was 4. She died instantly. We lived on a lane with 3 homes and both older sisters wanted to run alongside the car as we coasted back to the house after getting the mail. My middle sister’s shoe lace was untied and the spokes of the wheel pulled her under. It was a freak accident. My older sister blamed herself because she thought she pushed her and my father blamed my mother because she was driving the car. I did not blame anyone, but I just wanted my family back.

I remember right after the accident, I was sitting on my neighbor’s lap and I was asking for my parents. She was telling me, they would be back and not to worry about it. She also told me not to talk about, that it would all go away. At age 3, I learned how to bury feelings and not share them with anyone. To always put up a good front and everything would be fine. I also learned later in life that between the ages of 3-5, our boundaries of how we react to situations and handle situations are formed. Based on experience, this is so true for me.

My dad spent many nights over the next 9 years drinking, not coming home for days at a time, and sleeping with other women. He was afraid to lose more of his children and just didn’t want to get close to us. My parents eventually divorced when I was 12. I do not remember much from the age of 3 to 12. My mom said I spent a lot of time in my room reading and not having a lot of friends. I was extremely shy and withdrawn.

I craved love from both of my parents every day but didn’t know how to ask for it or get it. The wall created around my heart at age 3 was firmly in place. I thought something must be wrong with me because I didn’t feel loved and withdrew further into myself. Every time I did see my dad over the years, his first comment out of his mouth was always, “looks like you have gained weight.” He would say that to my sister and I both even though we didn’t gain weight. My reaction was always “well something must be wrong with me or he would love me. I will lose weight then he will tell me he loves me. “

After my parents divorced, the house was sold and my mom and older sister moved from a very influential neighborhood to a one bedroom apartment 30 minutes away. I had to attend a new high school at age 15 and was terrified. I was shy, a freshman, and had no friends. I started dieting in high school because I wanted my parents to love me and I wanted friends to like me. I felt that my problems would be gone if I lost the weight. My mom and I joined Weight Watchers. I bought the Richard Simmons workout tapes and worked out every evening. I actually lost too much weight and was anemic. After I graduated from high school, my mom remarried when I was 17 in Lake Tahoe and I remember that I could not get warm. I was freezing all the time because I was anemic. But that didn’t stop me from working out and eating less. I still did not have many friends and I still did not get the love I needed.

My mom’s new husband lived 5 hours away so my mom set me up with my own apartment at age 17. I was still very shy and insecure about who I was. I remember the one bedroom apartment was very dark because of all the trees around it and I felt very alone and abandoned. My sister had moved in with her boyfriend my then. I first learned about bulimia from my sister. Her best friend in high school was bulimic but appeared to be loved by her family and friends. So I went to Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor one night, ate a large sundae and threw it up. I realized that I had a new way to lose weight yet could still eat whatever I wanted. I would get the love I craved now and fill the hole in my heart at the same time by being thin. Boy, was I wrong!

Since dieting did not seem to bring the love I needed from others, I then got into bodybuilding at the age of 18. If I won contests, then I know others would tell me they loved me and all would be great. I continued to be bulimic throughout the body building, dieting and contests for 6 more years. During this time, I met my future husband (ex-husband now). Throughout the time I was married, he did not know that I was bulimic. I continued the bulimia and over-exercising for 8 years. Even though I was married, I still craved love. We dated for 5 years then married to combine our incomes and buy a house together. I know he loved me deeply but I never allowed myself to give in to someone that much because I wanted to maintain control over my life (and my bulimia).

When I was 27 years old, I stopped the bulimia. I found another outlet that would assist in keeping my weight down and bring the love I craved if I was thin enough. I started using crystal meth. It took away the appetite for food. This continued for about one year. I remember the weekend I stopped using crystal meth was a fishing weekend that my husband had with his dad and brother. I was left alone at the house for 3 straight days and did nothing but meth throughout those 3 days. It numbed the void in my heart. But I grew very paranoid over the weekend, thought people were trying to break into the house, and I just broke down and wept. When my husband got home that evening, I confessed what I had done and vowed never to do it again. And I didn’t. Praise God!

Because of so much secrecy in my life, my husband looked for assurance and love from someone else outside the marriage. He met someone, fell in love, and asked me for a divorced when I was 32. I actually felt relieved because I got back complete control of my life back—not knowing at that time because I wasn’t a Christian yet that I was never in control – only God is in control.

Since I was with my ex-husband and married at an early age (from 19 to 32), I felt like I missed the partying life so after the divorce, I went out almost every night for 2 years drinking a lot. This also numbed the void in my heart. I started to think that if I found true love in a bar, ridiculous huh, then I would be happy. So I dated a lot of men I met in bars but I never let them know the real me. I always kept the wall up around my heart. No one would ever get into my heart deep enough to hurt me like my father did. Everyone at work, family, and friends thought things were going really well for me. But at night, I hid behind an alcohol cloud and I was hurting and felt unloved but didn’t know how to reach out to anyone. The wall remained around my heart and I never felt good enough.

Throughout my older years, I thought that if only I was smart enough, then others would love me. So I got the 4 year bachelors degree during my marriage and a master’s degree after I was married. After I hung the certificates on the wall, nothing changed. I still craved love from others and still felt like I was not enough.

I started a journey of introspection and self-reflection at the age of 35. I bought a lot of self-help books, life coaching, and a student edition bible and started reading everything I could get my hands on to figure out what was wrong with me. I accepted the Lord into my life at age 38 while attending Horizon for 4 weeks to see if I “liked it”. I was a “Christer” prior to that which means I attended services at Catholic mass for Christmas and Easter only. I came forward when Mike McIntosh said, “leave your cares at Jesus feet and come forward to accept His love as Your Father in Heaven. Man will always let you down but Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you.” My Father showed His love for me. Praise God.

I was then able to let down my guard, then others into my heart and begin the complete recovery process of identifying triggers, and learned how to express emotion though the bible, therapy and pushing myself through those uncomfortable situations until they became comfortable. I know now that I am loved by family and friends. The void in my heart has been filled by Jesus and I am a complete and loved daughter of His.

I am reaching out to you now. I do not want you to take the long journey I took to heal from eating disorders and body image issues and feelings of being unlovable, not enough and hurt.

Come to one of our confidential support groups so we can lift you up and encourage you to heal from the past.

I read this quote today by Elizabeth Gilbert, "If something is rubbing so hard against you, you can be sure it's working on you." I spend about 45 minutes a day thinking about this female in my life. We met at a support group. I was new in recovery, and she had a little over a year. We became instant friends, and I just love her. Over the course of our friendship we have fought, gossiped about one another, withdrawn, avoided, made amends, took things personal, got angry, got defensive, cried, was fearful, invited pride and ego in, and continued the same pattern several times over again. We both realize our parts in the co-dependent relationship, but I am not sure where to go from here? We both have voiced that when we are around each other it feels like we are walking on eggshells, and to date we are in the avoidance/protective phase.

Many women don't get to see all of me. Only the man in my life unfortunately gets to see ALL of me. The “all” of me meaning: the selfish, vulnerable, flawed, jealous, insecure, angry, joyful, passionate, energetic, creative, intimidating, depressed, me (and that could all show up in 1 hr). No other female relationship has been this difficult, this hurtful; however I have never kept a female relationship this long. Most of the friendships or acquaintances in my life came with what fit in with my lifestyle. You binge? I purge. You smoke? I smoke. You drink? Me too. All right. Were going to have fun tonight.

I have a friend that every time I speak with her she is either flying off to NY for a friends wedding, driving to San Diego for another amazing weekend, flying to Europe for some R & R with friends, or talking about all her best friends. I think to myself, where did she find these amazing women, and how can I borrow one?

All I am really getting though is a picture of the glamorous times with her friends. I never hear of the heartaches and headaches that they may bring upon her. I silently have always had this expectation of what a best friend would be, and my friend that I met in recovery has had her own expectations, and we both didn’t measure up. 

There are areas in my life today that are being worked on; my patients, forgiveness, tolerance, and selfishness. If there was no one in my life to rub against me, then how else would I work through my own stuff? So thank you to my friend for allowing me to work on being a better version of me.

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you." Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage.

One of my assignments in college was to take a piece of fruit that described myself; I chose a pineapple. A pineapple was thick, hard, prickly on the outside, but cut it enough and you will find some soft, sweet, and gushiness on the inside. I was always described as "intimidating, focused, confident" but on the inside I was insecure, fearful, and cautious.  I performed as the fun, cool, fashionable, "know a little about everything" lady, but I didn't have a lot of close friends. I wanted everyone to always see me as pretty and sparkly, and not know the pain and crap that lied underneath me.

My parents did raise me with kindness, love, respect for others, but as the oldest child I development this need for self identity, and self attention. I became very selfish, and had a hard time seeing things any other way. My eating disorder was all about me. How did I look, feel, react. My addictions were all about how was I going to get what I wanted. My relationships were about what can they do for me, how can you make me happy, love me, take care of me, pay attention to me. I would love to say that even though the addictions are gone the selfish part of me is not. It crawls in my ears and tells me not to listen, "it's a lie." It wiggles it's ways into my throat and says hurtful things and gets defensive. It sees only what it wants to see, and it slithers down to my heart and wraps itself so tightly around that only I can release it.

I have been so afraid that people will find all my flaws, that eventually I got tired and just gave them all away.  I am not going to pretend I am not anything other who I am, not perfect. I am a work in progress. I accept others and their flaws, however I get to choose what role I what them to play in my life today. Can others accept my flaws? That is not for me to answer, but if they can't that is not my stuff, and I don't need to beg them to like me. I need to constantly work on my character defects, let my sparkles shines, and stand tall with the knowledge I have.

Causes are complex, treatment is difficult and the effects can be far-reaching

By Union-Tribune
Tuesday, January 11, 2011 at 12:01 a.m.
Even as pounds drop, the number of teens (and children) with eating disorders continues to rise, with some of the sharpest increases occurring in boys and minority youths, according to recent reports.
To wit: a study published last year by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, found that hospitalizations for eating disorders in kids 12 and younger had jumped 119 percent between 1999 and 2006.
The reasons why aren’t entirely clear, but likely involve a complex, interacting set of factors ranging from social pressures to mental health issues to genetics. The consequences are more clear-cut: Poor health and impaired physical and mental development. But the effects can also be surprising: A 2010 Norwegian study found that women with anorexia nervosa were much more likely to have unplanned pregnancies and abortions than women without the eating disorder because they mistakenly believed that since they experienced irregular or no menstrual periods, they couldn’t get pregnant.
The challenge of understanding and effectively treating eating disorders is huge, and the focus of a great number of researchers and institutions. Among them is Dr. Walter Kaye, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego and director of the UCSD Eating Disorder Research and Treatment program.
Kaye will be a keynote speaker at the 2011 Maudsley Parents Conference in La Jolla on Jan. 21. UCSD is among only a handful of eating disorder treatment centers in the United States that employ the “Maudsley approach,” which combines science-based principles with active participation by both patient and family, rather than just treatment of the patient alone. The conference will feature speakers discussing the neurobiology of anorexia, new therapies, current controversies and the roles of families and others.
Q: For parents, what are the clear signs that a child has an eating disorder?
A: If a child is developing anorexia nervosa, they tend to restrict eating, lose weight, and have distortions of their body image. They often see themselves as “fat” even though they may be underweight. They may overexercise. It is quite common that these behaviors are associated with perfectionism, and a desire to achieve, as well as anxiety and obsessive thoughts. One of the distressing symptoms for families is that often there is a lack of insight into being ill, and a resistance to treatment.
Q: Is there a tipping point when an eating disorder becomes life-threatening?
A: When substantial weight loss occurs, virtually every organ system in the body is compromised because of the lack of nutrients. In order to conserve energy, metabolism slows down. Heart rate, blood pressure and body temperature all decrease. Anorexia nervosa has a high death rate. Some studies show that more than 10 percent of people who have anorexia nervosa die from malnutrition or other causes. Generally speaking, some of the reasons for becoming very concerned is if weight drops below 75 percent of ideal, or if there is very rapid weight loss, dehydration, or changes in body chemistry.
Q: What’s the current best treatment or practice?
A: It has been very frustrating to treat anorexia nervosa because there has tended to be a high rate of relapse after nutritional restoration and weight normalization. In recent years, a new family-based treatment (often called Maudsley after the hospital in London where it was developed) has been shown to offer improved outcomes for many children with anorexia nervosa. This therapy works with families to help them learn how to understand, interact and manage anorexia nervosa. It is not an easy treatment for many families to learn to use, but can be very successful. Unfortunately, since it is a relatively new treatment, it is not widely available.
Q: What role do family and friends play in treatment? How do they help the process? Can they hurt it?
A: Recent research is changing our understanding of anorexia nervosa. The evidence suggests that powerful neurobiological processes play the largest role in causing this illness. Importantly, family dynamics are not to blame. In fact, we find that enlisting the family as allies in the fight against this disease is the single most important factor for helping their children recover.

The Internet is posing a whole new danger to those struggling with eating disorders, with a disturbing number of websites glamourizing the dangerously thin, new research finds.

Researchers from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health say they have studied more than 180 websites promoting anorexia and bulimia, sites sometimes called "pro-ana," "pro-mia" or "thinspiration."

They found that most of the sites feature images of painfully thin celebrities and models and are easily accessed by anyone, including children. Of the sites they looked at, 84 per cent offered pro-anorexia content, while 64 per cent provided pro-bulimia content.

About 83 per cent of the sites offered overt suggestions on how to become super-thin, with tips on:

• several-day fasts
• purging after meals
• engaging in extreme exercise
• how to hide weight loss from family and friends

Some sites also offer tools such as BMI calculators and calorie counters, while others encourage readers to send in tips, or upload photos or artwork. Only a handful offer anorexia recovery-oriented information or links.

The study appears in the American Journal of Public Health.

Dina L.G. Borzekowski, lead author of the study and associate professor in the Bloomberg School's Department of Health, Behavior and Society, said her study is the largest and most rigorous analysis of pro-eating-disorder websites and is a good way to track the messaging that vulnerable people are reading on the Web.

"We want to know the messages out there that are reaching youth, and especially vulnerable youth," she explained to CTV News.

"What we found was a consistently alarming message that is reaching users."

Toronto teacher Carrie Cox, who is recovering from anorexia, says she never visited pro-anorexia websites when she was ill, but can understand why many would.

She says her obsession with thinness took over her life and isolated her from everyone around her. "Pro-ana"websites would offer community with others who have the same mindset.

"They encourage a sense of community among people who have eating disorders and it is a false sense of community and it really helps you remain in that state instead of being able to seek out recovery," she says. "They definitely normalize anorexia and bulimia and binge eating."

"It definitely scares me because I do not wish what I went through on anybody else," she adds.

Merryl Bear, the director of the National Eating Disorder Information Centre in Toronto, says she's glad to see this kind of research.

"It is important to study the eating disorder sites because they will give us some idea of what motivates individuals to actually access them," she tells CTV.

"So studying these pro eating disorder sites actually allows health professionals to examine what it is that individuals with eating disorders or who are at risk for eating disorders get out of them."

As for what to about the sites themselves, Borzekowski says it's futile to try to shut them all down.

"I don't think it is realistic to ban these types of websites in an ever-changing media environment. You might be able to regulate them and shut down a particular site but they are going to come back up," she says. 

Bear says she agrees: "It would be wonderful if these pro–eating-disorder websites didn't exist, however it is unrealistic," she says.

"So what is more helpful is to understand what they provide to individuals with eating disorders and those who are at risk of eating disorders so health care professionals can actually provide the support and encouragement that those individuals need for recovery and for healthier choices."

Angela Mulholland, CTV.ca News Date: Thu. Jun. 17 2010 4:24 PM ET

Let's all stand up today, and every day to use our voice for peace, forgiveness, love, and hope. There is so much pain in my life and others that we need to be the voice of change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARkxnRbyR1c&feature=related

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Lyrics by ALANIS MORISSETTE