I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I didn’t grow up in the picture perfect family with both parents, instead I grew up in a family of separation. My parents both young, separated shortly after my birth. In one home I experienced unconditional love from my mother. But in the other, I experienced emotional abuse and abandonment from my father.  Unfortunately, for a child the negative outweighs the positive. In my mother’s desire to provide a good life for me, she encouraged me to visit my father. What she didn’t know was the abuse that occurred or that every time she encouraged I felt like she was endorsing the way I was treated. I spent many years torn between trying to please my mother and a deeper knowing that this wasn’t normal.   While the words generally came from my step-mother, my father never stepped in or justified my feelings. He was often away for work and rarely experienced the abuse that occurred. Instead I was left with my abuser and a father who did not believe my fabrications as he called them. I spent years bombarded by her words. “You will never be good enough.” “You are fat.” “You are ugly.” “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “You are a slut and men will only want you for sex.” “You are an embarrassment.” “Your father will never love you.” I am sure you can imagine the affect these words would have on a child. I remember my only desire was to be loved and valued by my father. But when he ignored the abuse, and my mother encouraged visitation, I began to believe the words were true. Why would my parents endorse or ignore something that was wrong? I was a child, my entire physical and emotional wellbeing rested on their shoulders.   In addition to her unawareness to the situation, my mother was a Christian and I was taught to love my enemies and turn the other cheek. This was proof that something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I love my stepmother?  I must endure the abuse and pray for forgiveness. My distorted idea of Christianity is what kept me trapped in the abuse. I was ashamed of my feelings and tried desperately to keep them hidden.   As I continued to hear these messages about myself I slowly began to internalize them. I was worthless, unloved, and never quite good enough. To compensate, I strove to change these words. If only I tried harder, listened more, became thinner, got better grades, and accomplished more, than I could be loveable. I drove myself harder and harder until perfection was what I sought to attain. If I could be perfect, then everything would change.   Unfortunately, I didn’t obtain perfection…and things didn’t change. What changed was me and my view of life. With one sermon and one man who stood up for me I accepted Christ. I learned that loving your enemies did not mean a child should endure abuse. This was not the love God attended for me. This was the beginning of my transformation. I stood up to the abuse, refused visitation, and requested counseling. Although my stepmother refused, my father and I attended for several years. We rebuilt our relationship and found one based on trust, love, and truth. I continued counseling for several years on my own. Although I had successfully healed my relationship with my father and developed a relationship with Christ, the affects of my abuse were still present. Overall, the abusive environment left me very insecure, emotionally drained, a perfectionist, and a believer of her words. I struggled to love and value myself which lead to a distorted view of my body, beauty, weight and food. I have sought counseling for my negative self-view and distorted eating. Even though I had grown in my Christianity and believed God’s word. I had a difficult time believing that his word was true for me personally. I read about God loving his children unconditionally, but I didn’t quite believe that extended to me. I kept thinking if only I was smarter, tried harder, was thinner, was more beautiful, and prayed more, than he could love me unconditionally. I had to be perfect for God, just as I had to be perfect for my own father. I have only recently realized how far my abuser’s words permeated my life. Not only did her abuse affect my relationship with her and my father, but it affected my relationship with God. She took away my self worth and my ability to feel loved by my Father in Heaven. Through my acceptance of Christ I was able to have the strength and courage to stand against my abuser. I have been able to rely on God to be my protector and my healer. Although, the struggles of my abuse resurface weekly and sometimes daily, I have become a completely different woman. I have grown spiritually and developed a faith stronger than I ever imagined. God has the power to heal all wounds and he uses those trials for the greater good. It is hard to describe what has changed in me over the past five years, but I can tell you that I have come to love and value myself more and have come to understand God's Truth….I am Beautiful and I am enough and he loves me just the way I am. I want my life to reflect God's truth and to use my past to change the lives of others. Through sharing my story, I desire to reach out to others and give you the hope that I have received from God. Today I am proud of my story and how it has defined me because it is no longer a story of abuse, but a story of hope and truth. God has given me the opportunity to live this journey so others do not have to. I want to be the person that changes another's life, just as my pastor did for me. So today I am here for you…the one who struggles to find his or her value and never feels quite good enough. We are beautiful, we are magnificently created by our God, and WE are PERFECT just the way we are.
Bethany Z