The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.
    As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that.
    However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.
    A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media:

One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done.
Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!)
Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.”
Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”)
Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene in Missing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f--k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman.
    That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.
    A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.) That the conversation about my face was initially promulgated largely by women is a sad and disturbing fact.
    News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content.
    I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace?
I     ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time).
    If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.
Add Comment
 
 
I want to walk through this doorway
I want to open my mind
I want to pledge my allegiance to all I can find
I want a car that will crash through the barriers,
to a road no one knows.
I want to feel less control
want to bend and I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn to journey and return,
to never rest till I've seen all I can see.

I want to learn a completely new language, one I don't understand.
I want to help someone lost, someone helpless,
with the strength of my hand.
I want to come to the base of a statue built before they counted the years,
and there I'll fall with my face in my hands and cry
and feel their hope in my tears.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn, to journey and return,
to never rest till I've seen all I can see.

Train rides and pastures colliding,
colors and customs I've never seen.
I know, yes I know, I will stumble,
but time is precious my friend.

Those who journey can easily understand,
the more they see the more they'll learn,
the more that they will be.
So this I swear to you, and this I swear to me,
I'll never rest till I've seen all I can see.

I want to know where the stength of a person lies,
in their past or their future.
Is it in the way that they hurt or they love themselves or is it all an illusion?
I want to crawl from this skin that i'm painted in,
Body, please let it give.
I want to find the Creator of all good things
and ask what it means to live

All I Can See lyrics by Brendan James

Add Comment
 
 
I don't know about you, but I am not a big fan of Valentines Day. My negative feelings towards the holiday started around grade school. I remember sitting in class, watching delivery after delivery come to all the pretty girls in the class or to the girls who were older and had boyfriends. In junior high and high school your boyfriend was suppose to give you a gift, if not he was a looser. The feelings I felt most Valentines Days were, sad, lonely, insecure, and not enough.
Looking at Valentines Day now as a 32 year old, I feel confused. Why does society choose 1 day a year to celebrate love? Why do I buy into the idea some years, and other years I revolt? What really happens if there are no flowers, gifts, chocolates, and stuffed animals to hand out to people we love? The answer is simple...we are still enough.
The greatest commandment is, "love your neighbor as yourself." The commandment does not read, "love your neighbor on February 14th." We are supposed to love others daily, encouraging them, and walking along side them. The other part of the commandment is, "love your neighbor as yourself." If I am expecting flowers, cards, dinner, and gifts on Valentines Day, I might be setting myself up for a resentment. Expectations=Resentments
If I want flowers then I should go to the farmers markets or grocery store, and buy myself some. If I want a nice card telling me how wonderful I am, then I should try writing to myself (If I don't like myself, and can not write positive affirmations, then I probably won't believe a card that someone writes to me anyways). We all want to feel loved and special; however sometimes it takes our own initiative
Let's make a commitment this Valentines Day not to obsess, compare, set expectations upon others, and live to love for 1 day. We will love daily our neighbors, our enemies, and ourselves.

Hallie


Add Comment
 
 
It is 2012, Happy New Year! Take this visual DNA quiz and get inspired.

Visual DNA Personality:Quiz  http://personality.visualdna.com/1/index.php
Add Comment
 
 
I am grateful for the opportunity and platform I have created to share my story with so many people. By sharing my story and being vulnerable, it has allowed hundreds of you all to share your story in return. One of the common trends I hear over and over again is, slips/relapses. Everyone has to define what their own slip/relapse is to them, because that is not for me to determine; however I will encourage the phrase, "To Thine Own Self Be True." I see so much shame and guilt in many of your eyes when a slip happens, then a purge of sentences will form: "what do I do now? Do I need to go back to treatment? Why can't I just stop? I am a horrible person? I screwed up this morning, so I might as well keep the behavior going until the end of the day. I lost everything I was working on. I can't tell anyone about this, and my family thinks I am doing so well." In these times, no phone call or text is made to a sponsor, friend, therapist, mentor, until a few days later, so the ED talk gets louder and louder.
According to the Journal of How to Live, I remember reading somewhere that I needed to have food in my body in order to survive (SMILE). As my therapist always says, "food is medicine." So if the very thing I struggle with, and have a disease against is #1 on the Top 5 ways to stay alive, I probably won't do it perfectly.  So here is something that has helped me in the past, called, The Road Trip.

I am going on a road trip to NY. I leave from C.A, and drive through a few states, and when I get to N.M my car breaks down. Do I  take my car all the way back to CA to get it fixed? No! I stay in N.M for a few days get my car taken car of, and keep moving on my journey to N.Y. So after i get my car fixed in N.M I start driving through a few more states, and I get a flat tire in O.K. Do I go back to N.M? No! Do I go back to C.A? No! Again I take care of the flat where I am, and then I continue on my way.

You probably are getting the idea by now of the road trip methodology, which means that just because you have a slip/relapse doesn't mean you lost everything you worked on. Take care of yourself in the moment, tune-yourself-up, and keep moving on your journey of recovery.

My husband always says, "You are worth fighting for", and I have to remember that my eating disorder is worth fighting against.        Hallie
Add Comment
 
 
Remember when you were 17? Someone prank-dialed your house and called you a horrible name, and started laughing and then hung-up. Or maybe you thought you would try the newest drug all your friends were doing, and something went horribly wrong. 25 years old- You have a full time job, great boyfriend, and your getting your M.A, but you secretly cut, drink, binge; anything to escape from the abuse from your past, and that night when you were a teenager. Now you are in your 30’s and you love your husband, but can’t seem to love yourself. You have a home, savings account, car, job, and everything looks good on paper, yet you still don’t have many female friends, and your lonely. 40 years old- Your body is changing, you found a few gray hairs, your forehead is not what it used to look like, and Glamour Magazine said, there is a miracle pill that makes you sexier, smarter, skinner, and more youthful in 15 days. You are now celebrating your 50th birthday. Your kids are all out of the house, you have not worked in years, and menopause has taken over your body.  What is your purpose now? Is this how you thought your life you be? Where did the time go? What do you wish you could tell your younger self?

Join us for a panel discussion from 5 different women in each of these perspective age groups sharing where they are in their lives today, the struggles they face along the way, and the hope that gets them through the difficult times.

When: Saturday, November 19, 2010

Where: Rock Church, High School Room

2277 Rosecrans St. San Diego, CA 92106 

Time: 10.00am to 11:30am

 All faiths welcome. No childcare provided. For more information contact Hallie Metzler at hkotrla@iamhopeandhealing.org

Add Comment
 
 
It started with herons that directed the wind.
They had opinions, desires, dreams, and independence in character.
They owned men not just because of sex appeal as defined by men.
They were multidimensional with the complexity of galaxies.
 
Then society took a turn.
Women slowly deteriorated into body frames with vapid statements, size zero waste lines, big lips; sex symbols.
I cant portend why.
 
Women withered away
Daughters didn’t understand that the mothers they idealized were diseased- this was…is normal-
They learned what it means to be a woman from the fragmented sole that they saw in front of them. Looking at who is supposed to be teaching them how to live in the world, when in fact, they were teaching them how to die.
 
I honestly do not know a whole woman, but would love to meet one and fight everyday day to become one…though I don’t know what that is.
 
All I can ask myself is: What woman will be alive to be proud of me?

Britani

(Britani's sister is in recovery from an eating disorder, and her mom has an eating disorder)

Add Comment
 
Surrender 08/02/2011
 
I think being a "control freak" is something that many people struggle with. They have a pretty clear picture of the way they want things to go. There are few words that control freaks around the world, like me, struggle with more than "surrender." Taking my hands off a circumstance and trusting someone other than myself seems totally counter-intuitive at times. But there are few things more powerful than the act of surrender. In fact, in life, it may be the most powerful thing I can do. Surrender can and is the turning point in my life and recovery. There is this life-changing, heart-shaping power when I say, "You are God. I am not. I will trust you."

I will trust YOU to take care of other peoples issues.

I will trust YOU with my weight and food issues.

I will trust YOU with my fear of g

I will trust YOU with my therapy team.

I will trust YOU with my future.

I need to stop and ask myself, is there an area in my life that I need to surrender to today? I know there is nothing more difficult or more rewarding. The difficult part is not the surrender, but the act of stopping, taking a time-out, sitting still, taking a deep breath, and letting go. Then the reward comes, and I wonder why I don't practice this more.
Add Comment
 
 
I get several emails a week from people who are trying to help a friend, loved one, family member who is showing signs of an eating disorder. They want to know how to approach them, what to say, etc. This was my response to a lady today, who is trying to help her friend who struggles with bulimia and is in the Navy.

I am glad you contacted myself, and what a great friend your roommate has. When someone struggles with bulimia (like myself for 10 years) there is denial, secrecy, lies, low self esteem, control issues, isolation, and the list goes on. The first step says that, "We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder and that our lives were unmanageable." She needs to understand that first and foremost she is powerless over food and throwing up; and with an eating disorder in her life it will become unmanageable. If she admits this then she will realize she cannot do this on her own. I just helped another girl in the Navy who was stationed on Coronado get into treatment for anorexia. Step 2 says, "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result so for example: "I will not binge and purge during the week, I will go on a diet, I will stop cold turkey, I will become a vegetarian, I won't eat sweets". The thought process of someone who struggles is, I will try different ways of getting rid of my eatings disorder and this time will be different; however the result ends in over eating, throwing up, and doing the same thing over and over again.
I would recommend a site I helped create called, OneRecovery www.onerecovery.com. OneRecovery is an on line free support network for those who struggle with drugs,alcohol, and eating disorders. There is online eating disorder meetings, accountability, support, and tons of people who also struggle with an eating disorder so your friend won't feel alone. Also I would tell you that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't work harder or want it more than the person with an eating disorder. Your friend needs to reach a bottom, and when she has a moment of clarity where she is sick and tired of being sick and tired, you can be there.
Let her know you are here to support, talk, and be there when she is ready to face the addiction/disease. Your friend can always email or call me when she is ready, but she needs to make that decision for her. You can let her know you are going to love her until she can love herself; and although you don't struggle with an eating disorder, you can understand how it feels to need something to numb the pain, or to want to check out to not have to deal with issues. The eating disorder is her coping mechanism; for some it is drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, love, etc. We all have a coping mechanism, and the idea is to slowing remove the mechanism and deal with life on life's terms no matter how hard it may be. 
I know it is hard to watch someone struggle and hurt, and our immediate reaction is to want to fix it.  Continue to look inside your self and see what changes need to be made in you, and hopefully your friend will see your growth and want to change for herself as well.
Add Comment
 
 


I love flowers. When I do a gratitude list flowers are always on there. I used to think that only a man or someone else could buy me flowers. When I first started dating my fiance I thought he would show up with flowers in hand every day proclaiming his love. I thought this for about a year, and when he had flowers I was so excited. When he showed up empty handed I felt not enough. I finally confessed my wants to a friend who replied, “Hallie if you want flowers, don’t wait for David to buy them for you; buy them for yourself.” I had never thought about buying flowers for myself. Why would I do that? David needs to do it to show me I am special… and then I got it. I don’t think I am special enough to buy flowers for. I needed the affirmation from others, because I didn’t know how to do it for myself. A few days later I went to a Farmers Market and bought myself some fresh flowers. I went home, put them in a vase, and for the next week when I walked by them I would smile. I am special! Today I buy flowers for myself, and David buys them for me as well. Flowers remind me that I am special, and so are you. Go buy yourself some flowers today.
Add Comment