Let me just start off by saying I know I am not fat. I know this is ED (EATING DISORDER) talking, feeding me lies again about my body. I know that when I look in the mirror and my thighs look like 2 body pillows, that this is a distorted thought. My mind is not in reality, in truth. I have not binged and purged in over 3 years, and Sunday night I came pretty close. I went to a street fair earlier that day, and I got a large bag of kettle corn. My fiance and I were sharing it through out the fair, and continued to eat it through a movie until the bag was gone. I started to feel full, and sick. There was way too much kettle corn in my stomach, and it hurt. I decided to take a shower to see if that would help, and put the hot water on my belly. This did not help, so I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me and then starred at the toilet. I even bent over face first for a second, and then stood back up and walked away. It was an impulsive thought, and one that I thought would make me feel better. There was some guilt with eating all that sugar, but I would not have felt guilt if my stomach did not start to hurt. Throwing up would not help me, just as much as smoking a joint or taking a pill would. I went to bed and didn't think much more about my stomach and feel asleep.
The next day I took a fitness class that had mirrors everywhere. I was doing a pose in the mirror and noticed my 2 body pillow thighs again. I felt disgusted, but tried hard not to obsess about it. When I got closer to the mirror for another pose they didn't look like 2 body pillows anymore, but just regular thighs. I felt good for going to the class that was low impact, but more about posture and standing up tall. The instructor kept saying, "Stand up proud, tall. Proud chest" and that is how I felt. What I learned through the experience is when I am in the distorted thought all it takes is an affirmation,a saying, or a positive instruction to shift back into reality. We all can stand up proud and tall for who we are, what we have accomplished, and for showing up. I am proud today that this did pass, and did not continue further than it had before. Today let's all walk in confidence, with our shoulders back and our heads held high, because that is the truth.
The next day I took a fitness class that had mirrors everywhere. I was doing a pose in the mirror and noticed my 2 body pillow thighs again. I felt disgusted, but tried hard not to obsess about it. When I got closer to the mirror for another pose they didn't look like 2 body pillows anymore, but just regular thighs. I felt good for going to the class that was low impact, but more about posture and standing up tall. The instructor kept saying, "Stand up proud, tall. Proud chest" and that is how I felt. What I learned through the experience is when I am in the distorted thought all it takes is an affirmation,a saying, or a positive instruction to shift back into reality. We all can stand up proud and tall for who we are, what we have accomplished, and for showing up. I am proud today that this did pass, and did not continue further than it had before. Today let's all walk in confidence, with our shoulders back and our heads held high, because that is the truth.
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