I Made Peace With My Body & With Me

80% of American women (4 out of 5) are dissatisfied with their appearance, and 45% of men are dissatisfied with their appearance. I had always been dissatisfied with some part of my body, be it my mind, emotions, soul, or parts. Nothing was ever enough, and there was always something that needed to be fixed. My first year of sobriety I didn't have drugs or alcohol, so I was drinking energy drinks, smoking, and eating sweets like am/pm was going to shut off the sweet supply at any moment. I gained some weight that first year, wasn't o.k with my body changes, and still didn't like myself. Year 2 I really tried to focus on my other coping mechanisms, and surrendering all that was left of me. It was finally just me. Year 3 I started to like myself and my body. It started to form back into it's 29 year old body. It was not perfect; there were flaws, but it was happy. I was happy. I wanted to take care of my body. I wanted to not be controlled by food, scales, diets, self help books. I wanted to share this new freedom with others. I lived in a state of fear of how I looked to others, that I didn't even think what a state of not caring what others thought of me looked like. It looks something like this: I walk into a lounge in NY, and sit down with my friends. The "model waitress"  with no smile comes over and delivers my friends drinks, and walks away, she didn't even ask what I wanted. She then comes back, and I have to ask her if I can order a coffee, she just walks away. Someone else delivers the coffee. She is just straight rude. (Now in my head I start getting a little intimated by her, she is beautiful, attractive, and probably is a model. She lives in NY, and that is just how people in NY act.) When she brings the check we pay, and we get up to leave. I tell my friends I'll be there in one minute and I wait for the waitress. I give her the money, and I say to her 'you are beautiful, but you would be even more beautiful if you smiled, and if you were not so rude to me.' She apologizes and says she is having a rough day. I say I'm sorry to hear that, and tell her again how I felt.I
know that this is normal in certain parts of the world, but this will not be a norm for me. I might be looked down upon, judged for the way I look or my body parts, but I am worthy of being treated with love and respect by all women, and give that back. Year 4 has been amazing. I got engaged, and even though I feel at any moment he is going to take it back, I know deep down that I love myself, and that I am capable of being loved just as I am. In our wedding vows I want to say, "I Hallie accept you for who you are " and he will say it right back, and I know we both truly mean it.