Years ago my mom threw me an 18th Surprise Birthday Party, and invited every girl in school who I was no longer friend’s with to come. I had plans that night to go out with my then boyfriend and some friends to a house party to get wasted, and all of the sudden these girls I had known since I was in 7th grade were walking in my house like we were BFF's again. It was a very awkward night, but I did end up wasted at the house party later.
Then there was the time I threw a college graduation party. I had bought tons of alcohol, had some drugs ready, and told everyone to meet at my house before the ceremony and we would all walk over together. Only 3 people showed up! Where was the school spirit? Looking back it's not like I went to UC Santa Barbara, I went to a private Christian University, but still!
Last year I had my 30th Birthday Party on New Years Eve. It was at my friends parents house, and I think I invited over 50+ people. I was afraid no one would come, and I kept telling myself if only 10 people come, that fine (Liar). I think about 30 people came, and secretly I wanted more people to come to show others how loved I was. More people=popularity=acceptance=I am enough!
A few days ago my sister sent out the invitations for my Bachelorette Party. There were only 8 people invited, and 2 have already said they can’t make it. To be honest if only my sister, and my 2 good friends went, I would be happy, but I care too much about how I look to others. Then I ask myself, Do people look at an invitation list, click no they can’t attend, and then say poor Hallie no one likes her because only 4 friends are coming to her party; probably not. Do women attend parties and say, Eww only 30 friends came to her house, she is such a looser; not my friends.
I occasionally will live in a world that is all about me. That everything that happens is personalized, magnified, and fearful. However, when I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and come back to reality (center, awareness, mindfulness) I am enough. Life is not about me. Life is not about fears of rejection or friends and asking why did this happen, but rather how can I learn from this? God how can you use me? I pray that I am more aware when I need to say no to an invite, a sponsee/mentee request, a commitment, because for some the simple question Will you… is not so simple.