I have a fear of myself or someone else throwing a party, event, or meeting for me, and no one showing up. I don't remember when it started, but the fear of rejection was so high that is was better to not host an event at all than take the risk.
Years ago my mom threw me an 18th Surprise Birthday Party, and invited every girl in school who I was no longer friend’s with to come. I had plans that night to go out with my then boyfriend and some friends to a house party to get wasted, and all of the sudden these girls I had known since I was in 7th grade were walking in my house like we were BFF's again. It was a very awkward night, but I did end up wasted at the house party later.
Then there was the time I threw a college graduation party. I had bought tons of alcohol, had some drugs ready, and told everyone to meet at my house before the ceremony and we would all walk over together. Only 3 people showed up! Where was the school spirit? Looking back it's not like I went to UC Santa Barbara, I went to a private Christian University, but still!
Last year I had my 30th Birthday Party on New Years Eve. It was at my friends parents house, and I think I invited over 50+ people. I was afraid no one would come, and I kept telling myself if only 10 people come, that fine (Liar). I think about 30 people came, and secretly I wanted more people to come to show others how loved I was. More people=popularity=acceptance=I am enough!
A few days ago my sister sent out the invitations for my Bachelorette Party. There were only 8 people invited, and 2 have already said they can’t make it. To be honest if only my sister, and my 2 good friends went, I would be happy, but I care too much about how I look to others. Then I ask myself, Do people look at an invitation list, click no they can’t attend, and then say poor Hallie no one likes her because only 4 friends are coming to her party; probably not. Do women attend parties and say, Eww only 30 friends came to her house, she is such a looser; not my friends.
I occasionally will live in a world that is all about me. That everything that happens is personalized, magnified, and fearful. However, when I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and come back to reality (center, awareness, mindfulness) I am enough. Life is not about me. Life is not about fears of rejection or friends and asking why did this happen, but rather how can I learn from this? God how can you use me? I pray that I am more aware when I need to say no to an invite, a sponsee/mentee request, a commitment, because for some the simple question Will you… is not so simple.
Years ago my mom threw me an 18th Surprise Birthday Party, and invited every girl in school who I was no longer friend’s with to come. I had plans that night to go out with my then boyfriend and some friends to a house party to get wasted, and all of the sudden these girls I had known since I was in 7th grade were walking in my house like we were BFF's again. It was a very awkward night, but I did end up wasted at the house party later.
Then there was the time I threw a college graduation party. I had bought tons of alcohol, had some drugs ready, and told everyone to meet at my house before the ceremony and we would all walk over together. Only 3 people showed up! Where was the school spirit? Looking back it's not like I went to UC Santa Barbara, I went to a private Christian University, but still!
Last year I had my 30th Birthday Party on New Years Eve. It was at my friends parents house, and I think I invited over 50+ people. I was afraid no one would come, and I kept telling myself if only 10 people come, that fine (Liar). I think about 30 people came, and secretly I wanted more people to come to show others how loved I was. More people=popularity=acceptance=I am enough!
A few days ago my sister sent out the invitations for my Bachelorette Party. There were only 8 people invited, and 2 have already said they can’t make it. To be honest if only my sister, and my 2 good friends went, I would be happy, but I care too much about how I look to others. Then I ask myself, Do people look at an invitation list, click no they can’t attend, and then say poor Hallie no one likes her because only 4 friends are coming to her party; probably not. Do women attend parties and say, Eww only 30 friends came to her house, she is such a looser; not my friends.
I occasionally will live in a world that is all about me. That everything that happens is personalized, magnified, and fearful. However, when I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and come back to reality (center, awareness, mindfulness) I am enough. Life is not about me. Life is not about fears of rejection or friends and asking why did this happen, but rather how can I learn from this? God how can you use me? I pray that I am more aware when I need to say no to an invite, a sponsee/mentee request, a commitment, because for some the simple question Will you… is not so simple.
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